[Official Thread] Help Dakoom with his Language Problems. Goal? Create better songs!

[Dakoom]

You may know I'm from Italy and you also may have read some of my messages in these forums written in English containing some bad grammar or spelling errors.

What is the purpose of this thread? You have to know that Dakoom, other than beign an active web developer is first a musician, and he have a band called Skullmonkeys created by him and for which he write songs in English language.

The problems usually comes when he doesn't know if a "phrase" is currently a correct "English phrase" or not.
Would you help me then to write down some good lyrics in a correct English?

First example where I would need some help:

When I was going into the Hell, I founded her eyes
and I watched
like the Moon see the Sun in his dreams.

I was a fool, I was a dreamer, but she didn't care

Is this all correct?
Thank you so much in advance for any reply!

 

[Lisa]

When I was going into the Hell, I founded her eyes
and I watched
like the Moon see the Sun in his dreams.

I was a fool, I was a dreamer, but she didn't care


*founded - I'm going to assume it's supposed to be "found", "saw" or "caught"

 

[Dakoom]

Yes! Mertically talking it works with the song the word "founded".

 

[Lisa]

Yeah, founded doesn't work in that context.

Founded is used in situations like

"Microsoft was founded by Bill Gates"

You don't "founded" someone's eyes

 

[Dakoom]

Argh! LOL
So the theme here is: "You are falling into the Hell.. and when falling you get catched by those beautiful eyes that solve your soul problems".
So maybe "caughted"? It doesn't sound to good, however.

 

[Dakoom]

Give it a listen: http://vocaroo.com/i/s0n1kxQdEiME so you better understand how it sounds.

 

[Lisa]

Argh! LOL
So the theme here is: "You are falling into the Hell.. and when falling you get catched by those beautiful eyes that solve your soul problems".
So maybe "caughted"? It doesn't sound to good, however.

Caught caughted isn't a word.

When I was going into the Hell, I founded her eyes
and I watched
like the Moon see the Sun in his dreams.

I was a fool, I was a dreamer, but she didn't care

Discovered, captured, sought . . . would all fit.

 

[Empire]

Learn some narco language.

I am the fire that burns your skin,
Soy el fuego que arde tu piel
I am the water that kills your thirst.
soy el agua que mata tu sed.
Of the castle, I am the tower,
El castillo, la torre yo soy
the sword that guards the treasure.
la espada que guarda el caudal.
You, the air that I breathe,
tu el aire que respiro yo
and the light of the moon on the sea.
y la luz de la luna en el mar.
The throat that longs to be choked
La garganta que ansio mojar
that I’m afraid I’ll drown in love.
que temo ahogar de amor.
And which desires you are going to give me.
y cuales deseos me vas a dar
just to look is treasure enough,
mi tesoro basta con mirarlo,
it will be yours, it will be yours.
tuyo será, y tuyo será.

 

[Dakoom]

Caught caughted isn't a word.

When I was going into the Hell, I founded her eyes
and I watched
like the Moon see the Sun in his dreams.

I was a fool, I was a dreamer, but she didn't care

Discovered, captured, sought . . . would all fit.

Discovered in this case would be better! Have you listened to it?
Thank you Striving I'll take a look at it.

 

[Dakoom]

So for now I have this:

When I was going into Hell, I discovered her face
and I watched
like the Moon saw the Sun in his dreams.

I was a fool, I was a dreamer, but she didn't care

I changed "eyes" with "face". Here is a new record of it, with the actual lyrics:

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0FOgd4t5Z2q

 

[Dakoom]

I have this lyric:

write for a song, make it real
and be glad for you have done
bring up the war, fight c'mon, fight
it's your soul, c'mon

look back, the sun
is there a spooky man?
c'mon, la la la

c'mon

take your time, don't be afraid
it's your life after all, again
and it's a ****ing game
and you're the king of the world's decay

Is it correct?

 

[Lisa]

I like everything except one line:-

is there a spooky man?

I would suggest changing spooky to something a little more atmospheric.

 

[Dakoom]

I can change it to "is there a mysterious man?".
I used spooky because with the sun you get the shadow of a man... this was my "Image".

 

[Lisa]

I can change it to "is there a mysterious man?".
I used spooky because with the sun you get the shadow of a man... this was my "Image".

Yeah, I figured as much. It's just the word doesn't seem to fit with the rest.

 

[Dakoom]

Ok, thank you so much Morganna! Sonn I'll post a lot of new lyrics that needs (probably) to be corrected.

 

[Klaatu]

You should write in Italian and then translate to English. When your English is limited your songs might not only have bad grammar, they might also sound redundant and not exactly 'poetic'. I was born in NYC, but English isn't really my native language because my family moved to Madrid when I was less than a year old and I grew up there. Even though I lived in Denver, Los Angeles and London for 10 years combined, I still feel more comfortable speaking Spanish, so when I write my songs or poems, I always write in Spanish and if I have to, I translate to English.

 

[Dakoom]

Thank you for your message Klaatu! The problem is that I hate to write in Italian language, especially when writing songs.

 

[Dakoom]

"Will do my roses burn throughout the sky?"

Is this correct in english?

 

[VICE]

No.
Use either "Will" or "Does".
The meaning will change on either case.

 

[Dakoom]

Oh, okay. I didn't know that!
Is this valid everywhere?

So "will roses burn throughout the sky?" is a correct phrase, right?