Need some advice

[fixer]

So my cousin had a pretty rough childhood, When he was 12-14 he would live with us all summer and only go home when school started. we have a huge house and swimming pool and my dad would send him home with new school clothes and shoes.

he is a year younger than me but we have always been as close or closer than brothers

our lives went separate paths, im married with kids house pets and work a steady day job of 19 years

he has 4 kids from 4 different women , got addicted to snorting pain medicines, beat up his girlfriend and went to prison for a year.

since he has been out i reached out to him and have been spending time with him and he told me he has a house and has been spending time with his daughter and getting his **** together...

then i noticed he started making strange excuses like if we were suppose to leave at 10 he said he cant until noon , knowing i couldn't wait...

so his mom took in his youngest daughter because her mom was a drug addict too, she called me a few weeks ago to fix her granddaughters ipad, my cousin was suppose to bring it to me but never did, then her house gets broken into and it gets stollen with a lot of other stuff....

so today.... his mom calls me bawling her eyes out and asks me if he is with me, i said no , she told me that he told her he has been staying with me on the weekends...

its all a lie, she said he just got paid on Thursday $800 and now has $15 in his account and has 2 charges from a local hotel ..

so he has been spending the weekends drugged out at a crap hole hotel and he dont have a house he lives with his mom
and comes crawling back on sunday nights for a place to sleep

so here we are... how in the hell do i approach this?

now i think he manufactured the robbing of his own mothers house where his daughter lives for drug $$ , and i have to tell you i dont have much use for anyone that would do something like that

So i hate what he is, hate what he has done, but love him like a brother and its been put on me to fix it because they say im the only person he cares what they think

there is more than likely 500 typo, grammar and spelling mistakes in this post im not going to bother to fix them, either you get my message and give me advice or move along

 

[Nev_Dull]

My advice would be to stay the hell out of it. No one can "put it on you" to fix it, except for you. Problems like this tend to drag a lot of people along with them and carry a lot of baggage.

If you decide you want to take the problem on, you need to be prepared to make some hard choices. Is he likely to voluntarily get the help he needs? If not, the only option may be send him back to prison, which won't do much for your relationship.

 

[sbjsbj]

Sorry to hear that. It is a rough situation.

I don't want to dive into a social commentary talking about drug usage and rough childhood in the US and how bad it is over there. And 4 kids from 4 women? Why would anyone do that? How irresponsible he must be... Anyway, I'll skip all of that and go straight to my advice.

My advice to you is to make a good research first and to find out where you can find professional help. Try to talk with them about that situation and see what advice they can offer you and if there is something could be done to help him. Find out if there are state sponsored rehabilitation centers or anything like that to help to determine how much money you would need, if in case your cousin would agree on a rehabilitation.

If you have done your homework, where you have a clear sheet about how much money it would cost, how much time it would mean to him and you, how the situation of his kids/family/pets etc. would be dealt in the time, etc, then I would make a decision if I were you.

I would ask myself if I can stem that by helping him out. So before you make a decision, you need to make a proper research. If you decide at the end to help him out, then I would confront him about his situation and would come with a clear cut plan how to get him out of that misery. I believe most addicts turn their back to life and don't care anymore, because they think they will never get out of it anyway. But if you come up with a plan, maybe then you can convince him to turn his life.

I think, if I were an addict, that could be something which would convince me. if I knew someone cared and planned out how to make it work, how to get on the road again. I think that hope would give me a confidence boost. That is why you have to make a clear cut plans how to help him. A vague intention like "bro, let me help you" will be a waste of time. You have to show how serious you are, IF you want to help of course.

And after all of that, after you tried and he still refuses and doesn't care, then at least you can say to yourself that you tried and can't do more than that. And from then on you can always signal him that you are ready to help him, that you just wait for him to give in. And maybe after a time he agrees, when he sees you are determined and ready.

Good luck.

 

[Steve]

These things usually need professional help. Each case is different even though it seems like the same old story you hear.
I’ve seen this stuff first hand and tried my best but in the end it’s up to the persons will to want to get straight, period. If there is no want there is no hope (sorry to be blunt).

 

[Alpha1]

The problem is that you cannot really force someone to stop using drugs. Its really hard to stop using drugs if the person wants to do so. If there is no motivation to go through the recovery process then the best that can be done is to steer them to rehab. Chances are he will start using the second they get out. That is what often happens.

Consider that there often is a stark contrast to what the person wants to be and how the person is acting. A driving factor often is guilt: The more guilt the person feels, the greater the drive to use narcotics to flee from it all. They suffer too much and do things they later regret. Guilt, self loathing, suffering leads to more use.

Most likely your nephew is well aware where this is all heading and it sure is an awful perspective. Situations like this only get worse and worse as addiction escalates. The best would be if he would realize that he has much to lose on this path and much to gain by choosing the hard painful road and going through the years of recovery.

Often people need to hit rock bottom before they truly want to go into abstinence and recovery, because everything becomes fluid under pressure. Even hard core addiction. In some cases it helps to point out where they are heading with their life and letting them think about what this means.

What you can do is talk to your nephew and hear what he wants out of life. What his fears are and what things he does not want to lose. It helps to do so without judgement to allow for open communication. You can try a few things, but do not get your hopes up. There is a chance that he will not want to or is unable to change his ways.

 

[we_are_borg]

You can talk to him and show him what he can lose continuing on this path, offer him to talk to professionals and if he wants to be admitted to rehab. If he does not want this you cant help him, he needs to help himself.

 

[fixer]

ok so i called a couple hot line numbers and talked to them about it and they gave me some options including even involuntary intervention.

i chose to take this problem head on, went to the hotel and knocked on the door, he was there with his girl friend who just got out of rehab.

I pulled him aside and came 100% up front and clean to him, even may have came across as my own selfishness as i told him that even if i didnt want to help him i have to because if i dont and he dies ill have to live with that the rest of my life, i told him to shut up, no more lies and i am there for him .. for his own well-being.

asked him flat out, and told him he better not lie to me and asked if he was on drugs... he swore to me he wasnt

he swore to me he is not on drugs, he lied to his mom about where he was because she hate his gf and wont let her at her house so he has to get a hotel, he said she just got out of rehab and is clean too, he said he gets drug tested all the time and passes but no one believes him , said he has not done any drugs since he OD’d and said that was 8 mths ago

when he OD they say he was gone for 7mins and they stop working on people at 8mins

and has not did drugs since

i had a real heart to heart with him, he swore he was not on drugs, i told him if he is lying to me ...if i find out a year from now he was lying its not going to be good and if he decides to change his mind on what he said i will not think less of him for it and im here for him. he is mad about everything and people saying he is on drugs and i told him over and over that they love him and care for him and are not the bad guys

he feels completely alienated from everyone accusing him of drug use but he keeps passing drug tests.

I told him i believed him and i'm here for him regardless good or bad and i will not think less of him if something changed.

Now if he pulls away from me then ill be suspicious, if he stays around me then ill have his back until proven wrong (because he don't have anyone else)

 

[sbjsbj]

Well, if he is clean, then that is good news. Maybe one thing could have been to ask him for a receipt of such a drug test, to confirm that he is not lying. But that could be difficult and hurt your relationship with him.

Other than that all is good? But why was he lying to you then? And why isn't he getting an apartment or something instead of wasting the money on a hotel?
Of course if the girlfriend is newly out, I can understand but if not, then it is strange. And why would his mom hate his girlfriend? Disliking her, I can get behind but why hate? What did she do to hate her?

So does he have a job right now or is he in need of anything then? Because it looks okay-ish from what you said now. And what about his 4 kids?

 

[fixer]

he has a good job , he is not in any of his kids lives he is 38 years old and dont really have anything but a motorcycle , sleeps on his moms couch, he pays child support and it takes a lot of his money.

his mom hates his gfs because they are always crack whores and she wont let them around her grand daughter

his motorcycle was parked against the hotel so it was the second door i knocked on

he need to get an apartment and get his **** together ... its almost like he is just a freebird live for today kind of person and no worries at all but the entire rooms on fire like that “im fine” meme

if we both die today, ill leave somewhat of a legacy but if we were just counting on a fun scale he would be way ahead in life

he said he cant go home now after what happened today so who knows what his next move will be

 

[fixer]

Worst thing you can do is interject yourself in the problem.
His Mom needs to file charges if she knows that he broke into the house to obtain items/cash for drug money. I don't know what he's supposed to be on, but I know a meth head will steal relatives blind.
You'll hear all about feely goody processes... and they sometimes (rarely) work - tough love works best of all. Let him pay for his actions - even if it means a stay in the iron bar hotel.

Thanks for trying to help but this is probably the worst advice anyone have ever given anybody else in the history of the world

Holding someone to the coals is not a preferred method of conflict resolution in any sane persons mind

 

[Alpha1]

What drug was he involved with?

 

[fixer]

What drug was he involved with?

crushed pain medicine up his nose like pearkacets , vicodene or something like that

he od on heroine the only time he ever tried it they had to give him narcan

 

[Alpha1]

I see, so its an opiate / opioid addiction. That's really hard to beat and even IF he is not using then its a daily struggle for decades. Did he inject the heroin when he OD-ed on it?

 

[sbjsbj]

he has a good job , he is not in any of his kids lives he is 38 years old and dont really have anything but a motorcycle , sleeps on his moms couch, he pays child support and it takes a lot of his money.

I just pity his kids. If he pays child support, it means his ex-wifes/gfs didn't remarry, so those kids have no father and their mums are probably still a crackhead. Harsh life for them.

his mom hates his gfs because they are always crack whores and she wont let them around her grand daughter

Okay, that I can understand of course, that makes sense.

he need to get an apartment and get his **** together ... its almost like he is just a freebird live for today kind of person and no worries at all but the entire rooms on fire like that “im fine” meme

Yep. You need to educate him what it means to have a stable job and place to live in and to plan his life a bit.

if we both die today, ill leave somewhat of a legacy but if we were just counting on a fun scale he would be way ahead in life

Not sure I can agree with that. Doing stupid things seem like it is fun, but that is just an excuse to do stupid things. Declaring stupid things as fun encourages those people to go on as nothing matters. Because then they always will say "yeah...but at least I had fun".
You can have fun as much as anybody and have at the same time a "normal" life. It just depends on the person itself. A "boring" office job can be fun as much as being a ski instructor for the right person for example.

he said he cant go home now after what happened today so who knows what his next move will be

Why can't he go home? Is he 15 years old or what? Be a man, go home an talk it out with your mom ot friends. Tell him to grow up. If he does something stupid, not going somewhere or running away doesn't solve anything. And in this case it seems he didn't do anything at all anyway, as he is clean. I think you should lecture him about growing up a bit and explain him that it always will be difficult because of his past, but he can overcome all of it by simply not running away or escaping (which drug addicts do). Confrontation is how he should deal with it, for better or worse. Tell him that he should see it as a positive experience. Because this way he can learn to have a normal life, as anybody else, by simply dealing with problems just like anybody else.

 

[fixer]

I see, so its an opiate / opioid addiction. That's really hard to beat and even IF he is not using then its a daily struggle for decades. Did he inject the heroin when he OD-ed on it?

Dunno, guess he was behind a gas station dumpster when he did it

isn't that something to be proud of

 

[Alpha1]

That indeed sounds classy... Keep an eye on track marks, needle pin size pupils and weird body odor.

 

[fixer]

I just pity his kids. If he pays child support, it means his ex-wifes/gfs didn't remarry, so those kids have no father and their mums are probably still a crackhead. Harsh life for them.

Okay, that I can understand of course, that makes sense.

Yep. You need to educate him what it means to have a stable job and place to live in and to plan his life a bit.

Not sure I can agree with that. Doing stupid things seem like it is fun, but that is just an excuse to do stupid things. Declaring stupid things as fun encourages those people to go on as nothing matters. Because then they always will say "yeah...but at least I had fun".
You can have fun as much as anybody and have at the same time a "normal" life. It just depends on the person itself. A "boring" office job can be fun as much as being a ski instructor for the right person for example.


Why can't he go home? Is he 15 years old or what? Be a man, go home an talk it out with your mom ot friends. Tell him to grow up. If he does something stupid, not going somewhere or running away doesn't solve anything. And in this case it seems he didn't do anything at all anyway, as he is clean. I think you should lecture him about growing up a bit and explain him that it always will be difficult because of his past, but he can overcome all of it by simply not running away or escaping (which drug addicts do). Confrontation is how he should deal with it, for better or worse. Tell him that he should see it as a positive experience. Because this way he can learn to have a normal life, as anybody else, by simply dealing with problems just like anybody else.

You’re right on all accounts. Thanks

And i told him if he doesn't have anything to hide then talking about things is the only option he said that it always ends up with everyone telling him how big of a loser he is and that he has nothing and that he didn't want to go through all that.

he needs to get away from girls for a while because any girl he gets now will most likely not be the type to make him advance in life

he needs to get it together, have goals and accept responsibility for all his actions past and present, make amends where he can

maybe move away where he don't have the connections to get drugs

get out of them crowds and get better friends

 

[sbjsbj]

And i told him if he doesn't have anything to hide then talking about things is the only option he said that it always ends up with everyone telling him how big of a loser he is and that he has nothing and that he didn't want to go through all that.

I understand his view and that is not encouraging. But tell him that he is already on the right path and he just needs to stick to it. The biggest problem for "losers" to overcome is to get a job. And according to you, he already has that. So, from here on there is not one single hurdle he can't take on. He just needs to take 1 at a time. So if his mom thought he went back to drugs but it turned out to be he did not, then that is great and that the should not hide from his mom. Yes, his past will always be reminded to him, but he should use that infromation as the basis of his motivation. As cliche as it may sound, as Edison said:

So, he didn't fail, he found out what in life doesn't work. He is still 38 years old, he will probably have 38 years more to live. So, I think you should encourage him and be positive of his situation. If he really is clean, then that is really good news actually. And unless he has big financial problems, he can start living his life with a clean sheet from now on. And tell him that people will remember him by his actions. And according his past, his actions were not great, so now people always will bring his past up. But, by simply not doing the stuff he did in the past, he can show people that he changed. That is why it is important not to run away or hide. Tell him that there is nothing to fear on, if he is clean and he should be positive about the situation, as now it is his chance to prove anybody that he got his life back. There are billions of people on earth, hundreds of millions in poverty, have diseases, no hope, no food, no place to call home etc.
So he should appreciate what he has, even considering his past, and he should understand that his situation actually is not a lost cause and he can improve his life by simply not escaping.

Maybe re-connect with him? Invite him to grill parties? Talk with his mom? See how his girlfriend is, if she is good for him or not. I mean, it is up to you how much you want to get involved in his life. But it seems you care and you have the tools to influence him in the right way. You need to make him a part of the community/family. And maybe educate him a bit about protection. I think he shouldn't continue having any children anymore. Maybe he should consider male sterilization for his own good.

 

[Nev_Dull]

he swore to me he is not on drugs, he lied to his mom about where he was because she hate his gf and wont let her at her house so he has to get a hotel, he said she just got out of rehab and is clean too, he said he gets drug tested all the time and passes but no one believes him , said he has not done any drugs since he OD’d and said that was 8 mths ago

Sounds like you had a good talk. I hope it works out. Just remember, addicts lie. They lie to their friends, their family, to everyone around them. Most importantly, they lie to themselves. An addict is like someone with dual personalities. The "real" person you knew can recognize what they've done and have every intention of turning things around, which is why they come off as being sincere. But the addict in the back of their heads takes over when the need for drugs/alcohol get strong and every promise they made is gone like a fart in a windstorm.

As TP said above, as long as he stays connected to anyone who is or was addicted, the chances of successful recovery go down considerably. Whatever happens, at least you did what you can to show your support.

 

[R0binHood]

You're a good cousin for trying to help with this.

its all a lie, she said he just got paid on Thursday $800 and now has $15 in his account and has 2 charges from a local hotel ..

he swore to me he is not on drugs, he lied to his mom about where he was because she hate his gf and wont let her at her house so he has to get a hotel, he said she just got out of rehab and is clean too, he said he gets drug tested all the time and passes but no one believes him , said he has not done any drugs since he OD’d and said that was 8 mths ago

Is he really paying out for a hotel for nights on end with his GF just to get some nookie and avoid the mums house where he has a place to stay if he wants it?

Doesn't she have a place to stay they could hook up and then he could go home at night?

Sounds like it could be a neutral location binge retreat. Why else pay out for a room for nights on end? Hotels aren't cheap, and a lot more expensive than renting your own place. Has he been going to work when staying in the hotel?

If he's not doing opiates, is he drinking too much? If he's drinking at all are you sure he's not then doing more once he's drunk?

I don't know what the best course of action is, but his behaviour makes his claims of being clean sound questionable.

And i told him if he doesn't have anything to hide then talking about things is the only option he said that it always ends up with everyone telling him how big of a loser he is and that he has nothing and that he didn't want to go through all that.

He probably needs to know that if he does open up and tell you that he still has a problem you're not going to judge him, shame him and think less of him, just that you care about him and want to help get him out of this situation, as long as he's willing to drop that **** and put in the work to get clean and make a new life.

Stay in touch with him frequently. Call or text him daily, check in on him. Send him funny or interesting crap you find on the net as friend as an excuse to send a message.

Invite him to dinner or other events to try and get him into new more positive social circles. Make him feel like someone actually gives a **** about him and that he has the chance to reintegrate to normal life instead of feeling like his only escape is to lock himself in a hotel with a woman for days on end.

He has a motorcycle - will he go riding or off roading with you to reignite any hobbies or passions he can focus and put his energy on outside of work hours?

If he is back on it, it sounds like he could do with getting out of town and away from any local bad influences. If you and his mum are his only support network that might be tough though.

Good luck man.