Jokes to groan to

Caliope

70's Fashion Icon
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
3,198
My doorbell rang earlier, when I opened the door, a 6ft beetle jumped up, punched me in the face and called me a fat git.


I didn't take it seriously when I heard there was a nasty bug going around :whistle:
 

Caliope

70's Fashion Icon
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
3,198
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my Degree on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."
 

zappaDPJ

Administrator
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
7,230
This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my Degree on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no. I got out of prison."
The truth being stranger than fiction here in the UK...

Prison wardens told to deliver prisoners' Amazon orders direct to their cell doors - so they don't get stolen by other inmates
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...s-direct-cell-doors-don-t-stolen-inmates.html

o_O
 

Caliope

70's Fashion Icon
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
3,198
A sad state of affairs.

I know of an electrical retailer who, when I worked with them 'till 2006 had a contract with the Prison Service to provide portable TVs and Playstions etc to prisoners with no cost to the prisoner. The equipment was given to a prisoner for good behaviour.

Bring back Borstal is what I say and stop the namby pamby treatment.
 

Caliope

70's Fashion Icon
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
3,198
Anyhoos, to get back on track I present you with this:

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


Sorry :p
 

Caliope

70's Fashion Icon
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
3,198
A little known fact!

Did you know this about Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a
leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees
and he begins to think totally irrationally.

Ever stop to wonder why?

Well, it's easy ..........

It's because she smells like a new car!
 

Maddox

Habitué
Joined
Jul 29, 2016
Messages
1,253
IN THE BEGINNING


In the beginning God created Eve and she had 3 breasts; after several weeks in the garden God came to visit Eve.

"How're things, Eve? He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I just have this one problem.

It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," cried Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram; the cow has her bull and all of the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right.

How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you

“Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"

:p
 

zappaDPJ

Administrator
Joined
Aug 26, 2010
Messages
7,230
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
 

PoetJC

⚧ Jacquii: Kween of Hearts ⚧
Joined
Jul 9, 2006
Messages
21,040
IN THE BEGINNING


In the beginning God created Eve and she had 3 breasts; after several weeks in the garden God came to visit Eve.

"How're things, Eve? He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I just have this one problem.

It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," cried Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram; the cow has her bull and all of the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right.

How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you

“Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"

:p
Ha!!!! The ladies love it.
So... The moral is ... even man as the worthless tit needs supreme love too?? aimageup.jacquiidesigns.com_di_N3KZ.gif
 

insaneadmin

Enthusiast
Joined
Dec 17, 2014
Messages
219
While looking at my phone I accidentally walked into a wall and the books above fell onto my head.

Ah well, I only have my shelf to blame.
 

PoetJC

⚧ Jacquii: Kween of Hearts ⚧
Joined
Jul 9, 2006
Messages
21,040
Now that Barack is gone, I'm Obamaself.. aimageup.jacquiidesigns.com_di_M3HO.gif
 

redlake

Aspirant
Joined
Feb 14, 2017
Messages
12
what do you call a seagull that fies over the bay?

a bay gull (ie prounounce bagel :D)
 

Caliope

70's Fashion Icon
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
3,198
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:(not guaranteed)

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little b******.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
 

StaticAge

Enthusiast
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
228
A man takes his dog to the vet. "My dog's not been himself lately, he's been a bit quiet and sleeping a lot," the man explains. The vet takes a closer look at the dog and examines him for a couple of minutes. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the dog down," says the vet.

"What! He's that ill?!" The man asks. "No... he's just really heavy."
 

doubt

Tazmanian
Joined
Feb 25, 2013
Messages
4,864
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In a major foreign-policy coup for the Trump Administration, North Korea offered to unconditionally abandon its nuclear program on Monday, after Mike Pence spent several minutes angrily squinting at the nation from just across the border.

Warning North Korea that the United States had jettisoned its policy of “strategic patience” and that “all options were on the table,” Pence fixed his steely glare on the isolated Communist nation and began furiously staring it down.

After Pence spent between five and six minutes demonstrating U.S. resolve by squinting indignantly, the government in Pyongyang released a statement indicating that North Korea’s nuclear ambitions were a thing of the past.

“We will henceforth abandon our nuclear program and dismantle all existing nuclear facilities,” read the official statement from North Korean President Kim Jong-un. “In exchange, we request that Mike Pence stop giving us that really mean look.”
 

fixer

I'm In My Prime
Joined
Jan 28, 2010
Messages
2,062
In honor of 4/20
I will be selling clean urine $22.95 for a 1/2 water bottle
 

Bigguy

W.U.B Owner
Joined
Sep 25, 2005
Messages
611
Ever heard the joke about the broken pencil ?? don't worry about it it has no point.

(Bad right, I know your groanin, lol. That was bad though.)
 
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